Taking A Stand

There are few things that get my ire up like a shitty advertisement. I haven't eaten at a Good Times in years due solely to the insufferable, cheesy dimwit who does the voiceovers for their TV and radio spots. He sounds like he needs to swallow the excess saliva pooled under the back of his tongue and blow some fucking Afrin to relieve what must be the worst case of nasal congestion the world has ever seen. Fuck you, Good Times; you'll never get one Yankee Dollar out of me.

The latest to offend my delicate sensibilities is Corona and I'm about to tell you why. Watch this video and get your umbrellas out because there's a shit storm a-brewin!

Episode 1



Okay; I'll give you that it's imprudent to scope out strange ass as you sit next to your significant other. This dude made no attempt at disguising the fact that he just eye fucked the model in the white bikini and got a shot of lime to bring him back to reality. Fine. There are more creative ways to express this point but I guess Corona went for the lowest hanging fruit. Let's have a look at the second installment in this series.

Episode 2



Now it's tit for tat. An equally perfect specimen of the opposite sex walks by and the tables turn as the woman considers all of the horrible things that she'd let this dude do to her. Homeboy sees this and decides that a little revenge is justified. After all, he took a shot of citrus to the grill for the same crime mere moments before. A comedy beer spray should zero this karmic balance. But wait; his lady is crafty and pops the top on the OTHER beer instead and hands off the opener with a haughty air of self-righteousness.

Fuck that. This bitch is allowed to give the elevator eyes to this passing hunk and get away with it? The dude is just trying to settle her hash and ends up looking like a chump. Now he's down by two. From my voyeuristic vantage point, these people need to part ways on the double because they obviously have conflicting perceptions as to the nature of their relationship. The way this story has played out so far, I'm sure the salad days have come and gone for this couple. Let's move on and consider the latest episode.

Episode 3



At this point I'm not even sure why these miserable bastards bothered going to the beach in the first place. I feel like they could have stayed home and hated each other without paying to be despondent in paradise.

If he'd quietly gotten his eyeful of sexy, turned and stonewalled his SO thereby proving that he's got a set, I'd have stood up, applauded and immediately purchased a twelver of Coronas in celebration of his not being a coward. Instead, he sprays acidy lime straight in his motherfucking eye for watching three hotties frolic and splash in the ocean. If he was down by two earlier, he's in the red by at least 1,000 now.

And that doesn't even take into account the smug look of satisfaction that plays across that bitch face of hers while she watches this guy metaphorically chop off his own balls for her benefit. She fucking LOVES it that she's got this poor sucker wrapped around her little finger so much that he'll mace himself to stay in her good graces.

Fuck them both. The guy should chase after that group of lovlies like his life depends on it and try to recover a shred of his (dubious) former manhood. The girl should run in the opposite direction into the arms of the big guy from episode two and let him fuck some warmth into her heart. Since neither of these things is likely to happen, I'll hold out hope that, in episode 4, they both die in a fire.

By my thinking, these advertisements have established that people who drink Corona are either a) bitch made, spineless pussies or b) humorless, insecure ice queens. Since I'm neither of those things, I'll never humiliate myself by drinking Corona for the rest of my life. Say what you will about my resolve, but if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.